2 comments I did the super long survey again for my other main character.  Was barely coherent while I wrote this, so sorry if it doesn't make sense in places.  I think tomorrow I will do as little typing as possible so my wrists will have time to recover.

BASICS



1. What is your full name? Do you have a nickname?
Julian Cox III. No nicknames.

2. How old are you? When is your birthday?
I'm 31, born January 29.

3. Where were you born? Where do you live now? Are you patriotic?
I was born and raised in Norwell. You could say I'm on of the most patriotic people here.

4. Who are/were your parents? (Names, occupations, personalities, etc.)
My dad is Julian Cox II, the King of Zenobia. My mum is Regina. She used to be the Duchess of Blitzberg.

5. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?
No. There's no point in having more than one kid when I can inherit the throne.

6. What is your occupation?
Prince of Zenobia.

7. How tall are you? How much do you weigh?
I'm 5'6", about 150 pounds.

8. What color is your hair? What color are your eyes?
I'm blond, just like everyone in my family, and my eyes are a dark sort of teal-grey.

9. What is your race?
Zenobian.

10. To which social class do you belong?
The highest of high. I'm part of the royal family, after all.

11. Do you consider yourself to be attractive? Do others?
I look alright. I'm sure no one is disgusted by me, or anything. There was this duchess once who found me really agreeable.

12. What is your style of dress?
The latest fashion- my family sets the fashion in the kingdom, so it's easy to keep up to date.

13. Do you have any scars? Tattoos? Birthmarks? Other unique physical features?
No, I've never been hurt badly enough to leave a scar. I would never dream of getting a tattoo.

14. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?
I'm allergic to dust, mold, and grass a bit.

15. Are you right- or left-handed?
Right

16. What does your voice sound like?
Proper and sophisticated.

17. What kind of vocabulary do you use?
I was brought up to be eloquent, but I get pretty lazy a lot of the time and can't be bothered to try and sound fancy.

18. List three quirks or other defining characteristics.
I use an interesting choice of words a lot of the time, and have a really bad habit of pushing up my glasses too often. And I laugh when I'm nervous, which is really annoying and telling.

19. How often do you bathe? Do you wear perfumes?
Every other day or so.

20. What kind of facial expression do you commonly wear (dour glare, wry smile, etc)?
I always look professional.

21. Do you use body language? How?
I talk with my hands a lot. Helps to get my point across better.

22. Do you have a commonly used saying?
Bullocks. Hah, my favorite thing to say when things aren't going my way.



CHILDHOOD



23. What is your earliest memory?
I can remember some kind of doll I used to play with. It was made of wood, but one day I lost it or something happened to it. I was pretty crushed.

24. How much schooling have you had? Did you enjoy it?
More than most people. Science and maths were alright, everything else was just a bore to sit through.

25. Where did you learn most of your knowledge and skill?
Private school. My dad also taught me a bit about royal duties and what's expected of me, and how I should behave.

26. How would you describe your childhood in general?
Priveleged. I hardly ever wanted for anything. I had the best of everything.

27. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I've always known I was going to be King when I grew up.

28. When and with whom was your first kiss?
The Duchess of Elmherst was visiting with her family one year, and she ended up kissing me. I was 12.

29. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?
Yes.

30. Do you have a notorious or celebrated ancestor? Does that affect you?
All of my ancenstors are notorious and celebrated. It means that I'll be King one day, and I come from the oldest and most powerful family in Zenobia.



INFLUENCES



31. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?
The most important event of my life- when I take the throne- hasn't happened yet.

32. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Since I've been old enough to attend war meetings, I've made some suggestions for tactics. One of them was about getting supplies to the troops in a tight spot, and it worked out brilliantly. I was proud of that. Any tactic that works is a good achievement.

33. What is your greatest regret?
I have no regrets.

34. What is the most embarrassing or shameful thing ever to happen to you?
I was in my room with a girl I fancied, and we were snogging, and my dad walked in. I couldn't look him in the eye for like a day afterword.

35. Do you have any secrets? If so, what are they?
I've secretely always wanted to be in a play. But it's not right for royals to put on a show for other people- we are the ones that are entertained.

36. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?
I wouldn't consider anything I do evil. Just necessary.

37. When was the time you were the most frightened?
Once a horse I was riding got spooked and I lost control.

38. Have you ever traveled outside of your country? If so, to where?
Not outside of Zenobia, but I've been to some of the cities around us for meetings and events.



BELIEFS



39. What is your alignment?
Chaotic neutral.

40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?
A bit of both, depending on the situation.

41. Do you believe in a god? If so, which one and why?
Yes.

42. Do you believe in an afterlife?
Yes.

43. What is your greatest fear?
Failing my kingdom when I take the throne.

44. What makes you angry? Sad? Happy? Why?
Stupid people anger me. When I'm stressed I can be unhappy, but generally I'm not a sad person. Reading always makes me happy, or my pet birds, or a good glass of wine to enjoy.

45. Do you think people are basically good or basically evil?
Most people are good, but there are some that are rotten.

46. What are your views on politics?
The leaders should do all they can to make the lives of their subjects better and treat them fairly, while expanding their kingdom.

47. What are your views on gambling, lying, theft, and killing?
Gambling can be fun, as long as it doesn't get out of control. Sometimes lying is necessary to keep people happy. Killing is also a necessary thing sometimes, especially in a time of war. Theft, however, is totally barbaric.

48. How far will you go to defend your beliefs?
If I feel the person will benefit from my beliefs, I will go far to defend them.

49. How much do you value money?
I own a lot of expensive things. My family has a lot of money. It's important to me; I wouldn't be able to live like I do without it.

50. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?
Cheat, lie, steal or kill for their own personal gain.

51. Do you believe in self-sacrifice for the greater good?
Yes. If it's for the good of the kingdom, I will do it.

52. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?
No.

53. Are you superstitious?
No. I have better things to worry about rather than silly superstitions.

54. How much do you respect the beliefs and opinions of others?
I'm pretty open minded when it comes to differences like that.

55. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings?
Usually honest.

56. Do you have any biases or prejudices?
You could call me biased against the Chez, but it's not without reason.




DEALING WITH OTHERS



57. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
I'd say my entire kingdom is the most important to me.

58. Who is the person you respect the most? Despise the most? Why?
I respect my father, for how far he's brought the kingdom and how fair of a ruler he is. I dislike the Chez the most.

59. Do you have a significant other? Who? Why?
I don't.

60. Do you have a lot of friends? Who is your best friend?
I have a lot of connections with other royal families, but I'm not close enough to anyone to call them a friend.

61. How do you relate to members of the same race? Class? Sex?
I'm good at related to them; they know the most about how my life is. I've grown up with those people.

62. How do you relate to members of a different race? Class? Sex?
I could never relate to a Chez, but I try to be fair to the poorer Zenobians.

63. Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.
No.

64. What do you look for in a potential lover?
Someone easy to talk to, with similar interests. She also has to be down to earth and able to keep up with me intellectually and during my busy schedule.

65. How close are you to your family?
I see them and talk to my mum and dad every day, but I wouldn't call us close on an emotional level. Things are strict and my dad is more concerned with my ability to handle myself as a ruler rather than how I am feeling that day.

66. Do you want a marriage, family, and/or children?
Yes, I have to have a succesor.

67. Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?
Argue. I have to get my point across.

68. Are you a listener or a talker?
I love talking.

69. How long does it usually take for you to trust others?
A long time. I could count the people I trust on one hand.

70. Do you hold grudges?
A little.

71. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?
Unless my dad is there, yes. I'm expected to be the leader.

72. Do you like interacting with large groups of people?
Not really, even though I have to do it all the time.

73. How well do you express yourself?
Pretty well. It's easy to tell what mood I'm in.

74. How quickly do you judge others?
Quickly. I can get a really good impression of who someone is by the clothes they were or how they carry themselves.

75. Do you care what others think of you?
I care about how I look to the kingdom. But people around the castle have seen me at my best and worst, and I don't care what they think.

76. Do you have any enemies? How or why are they your enemy?
The stubborn Chez are my enemy. They've been that way since before I was born.



PERSONAL TASTE AND OPINIONS



77. What is your favorite pastime? Color? Food? Possession?
I love reading and seeing plays. Another favorite past time is spending time with my birds. My favorite color is red, and I wear it almost every day. Food is a turkey dish. The best possession I own is the kingdom, even though it technically doesn't belong to me just yet.

78. What are your preferences in arts and/or entertainment?
I like any sort of plays, and I enjoy listening to music.

79. Do you smoke, drink, go whoring, or use drugs? Why or why not?
Wine is the only thing I enjoy drinking. Everything else, no.

80. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?
If there's a new play in town I'll go see that. Otherwise I spend a lot of time reading out on the balcony. It's my day off.

81. What is your most cherished fantasy?
I see myself being the king of everything. I suppose it will come true someday.

82. How long is your attention span?
If it's something I like, I can stay focused for hours.

83. Do you laugh a lot? What do you find funny?
An average amount, I guess.

84. Is there anything that shocks or offends you? If so, what?
The strange way of life the Chez lead.

85. How do you deal with stress?
Usually I can deal by just relaxing. If it gets really bad or I've let it build, I have to hit something.

86. How much athletic ability do you have? Artistic?
I've been trained in fencing, but I don't have much stamina or strength. I can sing, I guess that's artistic.

87. Do you like animals? Do you like children?
I love animals. Children I don't deal with very much.

88. Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?
Spontaneous.

89. Do you have a pet? If so, what is his/her name? Species? Fur color? Etc…
Several birds.



SELF-IMAGE



90. What is your greatest strength as a person? Weakness?
I'm a very confident person, and good at motivating people and making decisions. Those are especially handy for someone with my job. I guess I can complain too much sometimes, and not control my emotions as well as I should.

91. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
Be more in control of my emotions.

92. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?
Extroverted.

93. Do you like yourself?
Yes.

94. Do you have a daily routine? How do you feel if your day is interrupted?
Yes.  It's usually not interrupted, and when it does I get bothered.

95. What goal do you most want to accomplish in the next six months? Your lifetime?
In the next six months, I'd to see another enemy city conquered. In my lifetime I hope to be a strong ruler of my kingdom and leave it better off.

96. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
In 5 years, I will be more experienced in warfare. In 10 years I will probably take over the throne. In 20 years I hope to have a successor.

97. If you could choose, how would you want to die?
Heroically.

98. What is the one thing you would like to be remembered for after your death?
I want to be remembered as a king that expanded Zenobia's ideals and improved the entire kingdom.

99. What three words would you use to best describe your personality?
Regal, influential, professional.

100. What three words would others probably use to describe you?
Depends on where they're coming from. Someone in the castle might think of me as whiny, intelligent and expressive. Someone from the kingdom would see me as strong, decisive and compassionate.

101. Why are you risking your life to adventure?
Did I even have a choice? 0 comments I feel like the more planning I do for this thing, the easier it'll be.  But planning is hard.  I've been trying to write an outline, but so far all I have is a blank page.  I feel pressure about the outline, because I feel like it makes me come up with everything that will go into the story at one moment.  I need time to think those things over.  It would guide me well if I actually had enough ideas to get me past 50k.  And I could always add things as I go along, I suppose.  That's just not as organized! 
I will get this outline done, though.  I need SOME kind of guide.  And something to press me for ideas.  I don't want to be in the middle of November, going 'Wow, wtf are they gonna do now?' 

First, some procrastination.... I need to get to know my characters really well.  So I will fill out this survey for Isaac.  It's really freaking long.  I will be shocked if anyone reads the whole thing other than myself.  XD

BASICS




1. What is your full name? Do you have a nickname?
Isaac Wilson.  Sometimes my sisters will call me Izzy.

2. How old are you? When is your birthday?
I'm 26, and my birthday is September 1. 

3. Where were you born? Where do you live now? Are you patriotic?
I was born in Wren, and I still live there.  I guess you could call me patriotic. 

4. Who are/were your parents? (Names, occupations, personalities, etc.)
My mom's name is Lucy, and she owns a clothing shop.  She's very loving and generous, like any mother should be.  My dad is Kennedy.  He's a mechanic, and a great role model.

5. Do you have any siblings? What are/were they like?
Two sisters:  Holly and Elisabeth.  They have their quirks, but they're good people.

6. What is your occupation?
Freelance stuff mostly.

7. How tall are you? How much do you weigh?
I'm 5'11", around 170 pounds.

8. What color is your hair? What color are your eyes?
Brown.  Blue.

9. What is your race?
A mix of a lot of things European. 

10. To which social class do you belong?
My family has never had to go hungry, but we don't exactly have the nicest of everything.  I'd say lower middle class.

11. Do you consider yourself to be attractive? Do others?
I look decent. 

12. What is your style of dress?
Whatever is comfortable and functional.

13. Do you have any scars? Tattoos? Birthmarks? Other unique physical features?
Nothing other than little scars on my arms that come from work.

14. Do you have any allergies, diseases, or other physical weaknesses?
Nope

15. Are you right- or left-handed?
Right

16. What does your voice sound like?
I never really think of what my voice sounds like.  A man's?

17. What kind of vocabulary do you use?
Normal vocabulary?

18. List three quirks or other defining characteristics.
I'm deaf in one ear and I hate trains. 

19. How often do you bathe? Do you wear perfumes?
I try to at least every week.  I don't think anyone around here wears perfume.

20. What kind of facial expression do you commonly wear (dour glare, wry smile, etc)?
A....normal expression?  I look content.

21. Do you use body language? How?
Sometimes, depends on the subject.

22. Do you have a commonly used saying?
No



CHILDHOOD



23. What is your earliest memory?
I fell out of a tree and sprained my ankle when I was about four.

24. How much schooling have you had? Did you enjoy it?
Not that much.  Mostly things my parents have taught me or that I've picked up in the Liberation.  It was all good stuff.

25. Where did you learn most of your knowledge and skill?
Probably both from my dad and the Liberation.

26. How would you describe your childhood in general?
As good as it could be when growing up in a war.

27. As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?
I can barely remember.  A mechanic like my dad, I think.

28. When and with whom was your first kiss?
I was fourteen, and the girl was Frances Avery.  It was embarrassing.

29. Are you a virgin? If not, when and with whom did you lose your virginity?
No.  I'd rather not tell that story.

30. Do you have a notorious or celebrated ancestor? Does that affect you?
I don't even know who my ancestors are before my grandparents.  I doubt it.



INFLUENCES



31. What do you consider the most important event of your life so far?
The entire war.  I wouldn't be the same without it.

32. What do you consider your greatest achievement?
Being able to provide for myself.

33. What is your greatest regret?
Not trying to help my people sooner.

34. What is the most embarrassing or shameful thing ever to happen to you?
...I'd rather not tell that story either.

35. Do you have any secrets? If so, what are they?
Being a part of the Liberation, I guess.  It's a secret to some people.

36. What is the most evil thing you have ever done?
I don't think I've ever done anthing evil...

37. When was the time you were the most frightened?
I was about ten and some troops from Zenobia came to Wren.  Some houses were burned and men were taken.  I was afraid my dad would be one of them.

38. Have you ever traveled outside of your country? If so, to where?
Nope.  No one goes outside the country really.



BELIEFS



39. What is your alignment?
I don't know what you'd call it.

40. Are you basically optimistic or pessimistic?
Usually optimistic.

41. Do you believe in a god?
Yes.

42. Do you believe in an afterlife?
Yes

43. What is your greatest fear?
Losing the people I love.

44. What makes you angry? Sad? Happy? Why?
Zenobia makes me angry, seeing people suffer makes me sad.  Handgliding and sewing make me happy.

45. Do you think people are basically good or basically evil?
Mostly good at the beginning.

46. What are your views on politics?
Monarchies are stupid.

47. What are your views on gambling, lying, theft, and killing?
If it needs to be done, it's gotta be done.

48. How far will you go to defend your beliefs?
I won't force them on others, but I won't let anyone else's beliefs be forced onto me.

49. How much do you value money?
Not much at all.  You can't eat money and it doesn't have much use here.

50. In your opinion, what is the most evil thing any human being could do?
Turn your back on someone you care about.

51. Do you believe in self-sacrifice for the greater good?
Yes.

52. Do you believe in the existence of soul mates and/or true love?
It's a nice idea, but no.

53. Are you superstitious?
Yes


54. How much do you respect the beliefs and opinions of others?
Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.  As long as it's not hurting anyone.

55. How honest are you about your thoughts and feelings?
Pretty honest.

56. Do you have any biases or prejudices?
I have a pretty strong biase against Zenobians.



DEALING WITH OTHERS



57. Who is the most important person in your life, and why?
My family are all important to me.

58. Who is the person you respect the most? Despise the most? Why?
I respect my parents the most.  I despise King Julian II.

59. Do you have a significant other? Who? Why?
No.

60. Do you have a lot of friends? Who is your best friend?
Everyone in the Liberation I'm on good terms with, but I dont really have a best friend.

61. How do you relate to members of the same race? Class? Sex?
We tend to get along.  Many of them are my friends.

62. How do you relate to members of a different race? Class? Sex?
I don't think I could ever relate to a Zenobian, but I try and stay polite if things are civil.

63. Have you ever been in love? If so, describe what happened.
No.

64. What do you look for in a potential lover?
There has to be trust there.

65. How close are you to your family?
Very close.

66. Do you want a marriage, family, and/or children?
Yes I do.

67. Do you tend to argue with people, or avoid conflict?
If it can't be avoided, I'm not gonna beat myself up over it.  But I like people to agree.

68. Are you a listener or a talker?
A bit of both, I guess.

69. How long does it usually take for you to trust others?
Not that long.  Hope that never comes back to bite me in the ass.

70. Do you hold grudges?
Only against the Zenobians.

71. Do you tend to take on leadership roles in social situations?
If I need to.

72. Do you like interacting with large groups of people?
Yes.

73. How well do you express yourself?
I've never had a problem doing it.

74. How quickly do you judge others?
Not too quickly.
75. Do you care what others think of you?
Yes.

76. Do you have any enemies? How or why are they your enemy?
Zenobians, for oppressing my people.



PERSONAL TASTE AND OPINIONS



77. What is your favorite pastime? Color? Food? Possession?
I like spending time with my family, playing games, or handgliding.  My favorite color is brown.  I like anything sweet, and my favorite possession is my goggles.

78. What are your preferences in arts and/or entertainment?
Any kind of game entertains me.  Music is good too.

79. Do you smoke, drink, go whoring, or use drugs? Why or why not?
I don't drink, mostly because I hate the taste.

80. How do you spend a typical Saturday night?
In a Liberation meeting.

81. What is your most cherished fantasy?
My countrry free of Zenobians.

82. How long is your attention span?
Pretty long.

83. Do you laugh a lot? What do you find funny?
I laugh an okay amount.  There are lots of things I find funny.

84. Is there anything that shocks or offends you? If so, what?
I don't get shocked very often.  But the Zenobians offend me.

85. How do you deal with stress?
I don't, really.

86. How much athletic ability do you have? Artistic?
I'm not all that artistic, but I'm pretty athletic.

87. Do you like animals? Do you like children?
Yes.

88. Are you spontaneous, or do you always need to have a plan?
I'd rather have a plan.

89. Do you have a pet? If so, what is his/her name? Species? Fur color? Etc…
No.



SELF-IMAGE



90. What is your greatest strength as a person? Weakness?
I am very determined.  Biggest weakness would probably be trusting people too early.

91. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
I'd like to be more confident.

92. Are you generally introverted or extroverted?
More extroverted.

93. Do you like yourself?
Sure

94. Do you have a daily routine? How do you feel if your day is interrupted?
Yeah, but it's not that rigid.  So no big deal if I'm off track.

95. What goal do you most want to accomplish in the next six months? Your lifetime?
Make some move against Zenobia.

96. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
I hope that we can stop Zenobia sometime soon.  And I'd also like to have my own family.

97. If you could choose, how would you want to die?
Peacefully, in my sleep.

98. What is the one thing you would like to be remembered for after your death?
The mission of capturing the Prince.

99. What three words would you use to best describe your personality?
Patient, sociable and motivated.

100. What three words would others probably use to describe you?
Helpful, friendly, and adventuresome.

101. Why are you risking your life to adventure?
To benifit my country. 1 comments My dad's second wedding was last night.  So bizarre.  It was even weirder due to the fact that it was at the same place my mom got remarried.  Same area, right in front of the creek.  Same weather, pretty much.  During both weddings I was freezing.  I don't understand why the two of them chose an outdoor wedding in October/November... but anyway.
It was interesting.  Kristi looked really pretty, most everyone cried, it was magical and wonderful and blah blah blah.  But I wonder if I'm a little jaded.  They exchanged their vows and most of them talked about how they'd be there for each other 'forever and ever'.  I just... had a hard time really believing that.  I thought about how my dad must have said that to my mom, and how it didn't come true.  It's just hard to imagine my dad being all committed.  And I wonder who he loved more... Most of his friends said he was 'happier than they had ever seen him'.  Friends who had known him all through his and my mom's marriage.  So who knows.  I'm probably being too pessimistic, and what does it matter now?  If I had a choice, I'd go back to my parents being married.  Unless it was at a point where they were both unhappy.  But I'm used to how things are now.  It's weird sometimes, like how Kristi is now 'Mrs. Duke'.  That's supposed to be my mom's name... But it's my life now.  There's no going back.  I do wish I knew someone else who was in my same situation- parents got divorced when they were older, had to go through all the drama and dating/remarrying.  I could never have imagined what this was like.  Just so weird and broken ahhhh.

Also I've felt terrible today and pretty much haven't gotten out of bed.  We were supposed to drive to College Station and clean out my storage unit today, but it was raining.  So the stuff would have gotten all wet.  So I just stared at the TV while clutching at my stomach.  I think the medicine is finally kicking in, so maybe I can be sort of productive now.  Or at least get my homework done. 1 comments Wow, this year is going by too fast.  I don't want it to be 2010.  I hope my life doesn't go by this fast.  Jeez.
I'm starting to fall behind in school... Not fall behind, but I'm not really early with things anymore.  I'm not last minute, though.  I can feel myself falling into the habit of procrastination again.  No way am I going to let that take me over.  I need to be more vigilant, and but aside things and do work.  I can't wait around until I feel like working.  That won't work.  I need straight As this semester!
Today I hung out with Kiri.  I called her because she hadn't answered my texts, and she sounded so sick when she picked up the phone.  It was just because she was tired/half asleep.  I felt kinda bad, but she said I hadn't woken her up.  So we met at the Genghis Grill at 3.  Man I love that place.  But it was packed this time.  Last time we were pretty much the only people there.  Today there was a huge line to get your food.  Oh well, it didn't take all afternoon or anything.  And I love that place.
Then we walked over to Barnes and Noble to look at books.  I really need to start carrying around a list of authors to look for, because I can never remember who I like to read.  So I didn't get any books, but oh well.  Kiri got some comic books.  Then we went to HEB, which was also crowded.  Who knew places would be so busy on a Sunday afternoon.  We got brownie batter and ready made brownies, and drove all the way back to my house.  Annnnd we made some amazingly diabetes inducing brownies.  And sat around and watched Dirty Jobs and the VMAs.  It was nice. 
I've been so lonely lately, but I hope that'll chance soon.  If I get a job and start getting more into school... I'll have less time to sit around feeling sorry for myself.  I hope one day I can just live in the present, and really enjoy what I have now, and not spend my time wishing that things would be different.  I think that day will come, though it won't be for a while. 1 comments Last night I was afraid the weather would be sucky and I wouldn't be able to go out and volunteer.  It was a little cloudy today, but it didn't rain at all.  It was actually a nice day.
So I woke up at about 7, all on my own.  I don't know what is with me waking up like an hour or two before my alarm is set to go off, but it's happened the past few days.  Kind of annoying.  But at least I can get up.
I drove out to the camp, which was about 45 minutes away.  It wasn't a bad drive at all.  But when I got there, no one was there.  Sooo uh I waited for like a half hour until she finally called me and her first lesson showed up. 
I figured I'd be doing a lot of cleaning or something.  But all I did was ride.  Which was really cool, because that was the whole point of me going out there.  I just had to find a place to ride.  And it's totally free!
The horses aren't exactly... flawless.  The picture is of Drama, the first horse I rode.  They did have english saddles, so I didn't have to ride western!  Anyway, she kind of had issues turning.  None of the horses I rode had really awesome steering.  But I did walk, trot, and a little bit of canter with her.  She's pretty fat,but small, so she needs to get in shape.  I didn't really want to canter in that arena because it was smaller than I'm used to and she was having a lesson in there too.  So I didn't want to get in the way.
After I rested my unfit self, I rode a paint named Lynx.  She's young, apparently, and doesn't know what you want.  That amounted to her stopping completely at random moments, and pretty much nothing I did would get her to move again.  The first time it happened I sat there for five minutes, kicking and squeezing and she didn't budge.  I got off her and just hauled her around from the ground for a little while. I dunno if that was really the right thing to do, but it got her moving.  When I got back on she was a little better, but still did a lot of stopping.  I got her to trot a bit, and she got better as we went on.  Aside from her laziness/stubborness/cluelessness she was pretty nice.
Then I rode Lil Bit, who was the owner's horse.  [She really wasn't little.]  I rode her in a western saddle because I figured why not, but it was reaaaally uncomfortable because the stirrups were really long so I couldn't post.  It was just awkward.  She was pretty good, and had the most go, but she sucked at steering too.  I took her out of the ring and mostly walked her around the property.  I was super tired by then. 
I was also super hungry.  All the drive home I was picturing the baked potato my mom got me yesterday, that I didn't even know was there until late last night because I was asleep.  But I got home and my mom had eaten it.  Noooooo.  I didn't know it was unsafe to leave leftovers for less than a day.  Whatever.  I had another frozen dinner.
School has been going pretty good, I just kinda feel like I should be doing more. It is so incredibly easy to go to school two days a week.  I need to start reviewing for tests more or something, so I can ace everything. 
I'm getting pretty worried about my grandma.  I feel like she's pretty much going downhill.  What first seemed like an overnight trip to the hospital now has turned into her being moved to a retirement community, and she's getting worse instead of better.  Besides the worry for my grandma, I feel worried about my mom too.  It can't be easy to go through this.  She has a lot going on anyway.
I'm tired enough for a nap, but I think I'll start working on my American Lit homework.  Or maybe do some chemistry.  Or maybe just be a bum and watch a movie.  I have a whole Sunday to do work, anyway.  This weekend seems like it could be pretty nice.  0 comments I've been feeling pretty good about school.  Two days of classes a week is really easy to manage.  I just have to make sure to keep up with my online classes, because they have papers due and stuff.  I still haven't gotten my Sociology textbook, and I really need it before Saturday so I can do my quiz and discussion... I ordered it with expedited shipping, so it better come soon. 
I guess I could probably be studying chemistry a little more.  It just feels so easy, I'm getting suspicious, haha.  I just wonder what he's actually going to test us on.  Seems like I got a bunch of stuff due at the end of September, which is sucky.  End of the month is always crunch time in college, it seems like.  I forgot how condensed it all is.
Today was sort of unproductive, though after I write this I'll do some algebra homework and read my chem lab.  I took a sort of long nap and I feel tired and out of it still.  Blah.
I did get up and go to the pool today, after months of saying I'd do it.  I can still do the strokes pretty okay, but man I am out of shape.  My lung capacity also sucks.  But I stayed there for like twenty minutes, and did a lot of laps.  When I got tired I did breaststroke.  Swimming always makes me miss being on the team, though.  It's way more fun to have other people around, and a coach telling you what to do. Not to mention having a goal.  But I guess my goal now is to get fit and lose weight.  Even though there's no point in me being fit... Not like I'm gonna be swimming any races soon.  Whatever, it'll make me feel better about myself, hopefully.  It felt good to go work out. 
I still feel crappy because I haven't found a job, though.  I feel like a useless money spender.  I've applied almost everywhere I can think of, and only ONE place has even CALLED me.  It is so incredibly frustrating.  I need to make money. 
But hey, my birthday is on Monday.... Wow it's weird to think I'll be 19.  My last year of being a teenager.  It's gonna take a while until I actually FEEL like I'm 19, though.  And birthdays don't bring near as much excitement as they used to.... But still, I'm looking forward to it anyway.  It'll be nice to go out to dinner and all that. 1 comments I was talking to Sarah on IM about something completely different, when she suddenly stopped and goes 'May I tell you something Andrew told me?'
I told her yes, though I was expecting it to be something like him telling her that she didn't need me anymore, or that I was bringing her down in life and I shouldn't complain about her, or something like that.  Just because she was being so unusually polite.  Even though I don't even know if Andrew knows who I am.  I've never heard Sarah mentioning anything to do with me and him in the same sentence.  Maybe I should ask her next time if Andrew knows who her best friend is.
Anyway.  She was typing for a while, then she sent me this long line of text that was basically Andrew telling her that she was the best thing to ever happen to him, she was better than he had ever dreamed, and he wanted nothing more than to hold her.  My first instinct was to be a little grossed out, like when couples babytalk each other or give each other sappy Valentine's gifts.  I've heard of a lot of guys telling her nice things.  It's nothing new, though what Andrew said was nicer than most. 
But besides being grossed out, I was also... really jealous.  No one has ever just randomly taken the time to tell me how much I mean to them, or how great I am, or anything like that.  I'm not trying to sound selfish or like I think I should be complimented.  It would just be nice once in a while, you know?  It's like... one of the things I desire most, but I never get it.  I guess if I was hearing it all the time it might get a little worn out.  But I don't, so I just keep wishing for it.  I really wonder if there's ever going to be a person who thinks that highly of me.  I guess that's really what I'm missing. 
Sarah went on to say that she loves Andrew, like spending-the-rest-of-her-life-with-him love.  I guess I don't doubt that she loves him, but I don't think she can know that she wants to spend the rest of her life with him at this point.  You can get to know a person really, really well online, but you can't know every inch of their being.  You can't know what they're like to be around, how they smell, the way their face moves when they talk, how close they stand to you, how fast they walk, how they stand, or any of that until you meet them in real life. 
I'm not trying to rag on Sarah or her relationship.  I guess it's just jealousy talking.  I'm not mad, or completely emo over it.  It was just something I was thinking about.

When I started this blog I planned on not writing very many emo or whiny blogs... but I guess I'm kind of doing that.  Today wasn't a bad day, really.  My sleep schedule is screwed up again.  But I got up and did what I needed to do- clean the house.  I didn't get everything I wanted to do done- like go out and get school supplies, mail Sarah's gift, read textbooks, be really productive- but I guess there's tomorrow and Sunday and Monday to do that.  I love these long weekends. 
Cleaning isn't too bad.  Once I get into it and devote myself to it, it's kind of calming and satisfying.  The hardest part is getting started.
I also drew today... I've been putting off drawing people for a long time.  Everytime I started I'd get frustrated, but today I kept at it and it turned out alright.  I really want to get this trade for Jen done.  I still have a long way to go, and it'll probably always be pretty messed up, but it was fun anyway.  Not rage inducing like art usually is.  Maybe school can kick me out of my rut. 1 comments First day of a new semester at college, over and done with.

It went pretty well, and I can breathe easier now, though there's still a lot of stuff I need to do. I guess I'll be more relaxed once I have all my books and everything, but of course then I have to start doing work. I'm kind of stressed out about how much books are. But hopefully I can pay that back soon.

My classes seem okay, if a little boring. I've been through it all before, so that's kind of lame. But it's my fault for not passing it the first time. My algebra teacher started us off with functions and doman and range. That topic has been done to death for me and it was a really boring lesson. I didn't do that well in Algebra 2 in high school, though, so hopefully this class isn't just going over stuff I already know. That would be an easy grade. I just really hope I'm not wasting my time and taking a class that no other school cares about.

Chemistry.... man that teacher is slow. He did one of my biggest pet peeves, which is to hand out syllabuses and everything and basically read it word for word. By now we have had 12 years of school, I would think we're capable of reading things on our own. I usually scan the papers that are handed to me, and sometimes read them all if the teacher is being boring, so I just heard it through twice. And it's not like it's really different from any other syllabus I've read.
It's probably for the best that I have a slow chemistry teacher though, because I need all the help I can get to understand that subject. Today we went over another subject that's been done to death: solids, liquids and gases. Like we didn't learn THAT in third grade. I guess I shouldn't be complaining, because I could really use a good first test grade. I could use good grades on all my tests. And I plan to get them!

My online classes are the only thing really new. I don't know what to expect from Sociology. Hopefully it'll be interesting. I have so much time to devote to these classes, so I really hope I stay ahead and on top of things. I shouldnt just hope- I need to make it happen.

I've been thinking a lot about the future and I wonder if it's a good idea or not. Part of me thinks I should just focus on getting through this year. It would be the less stressful option. But I always feel like I need to keep looking ahead and planning for things. There are just so many possibilities, it makes my head spin. I think I'll just kind of ignore it for this semester. There's nothing I can really do yet, anyway. Next semester I'll start applying for scholarships and finding out my standing with my dad and all that. And maybe I can make a plan to go to Oklahoma.... Never thought I'd be saying that. 0 comments I hate college. Nothing has ever made me feel worse about myself. It's like, the most important thing in my life so far, and it so happens that now is the time where I really can't do anything right. Millions of people do this every year, why do I have to fuck up so much? My self esteem is so low, I just can't stand to be myself. I want an escape from this life. I keep wondering over and over if it's worth it, if it will pay off in the end. I wonder if I can ever manage to make it through. If I'll ever stop making stupid mistakes.

Suicide has never been so appealing, if I'm going to be brutally honest. I don't think it's something I'll ever do but I think about it more and more, after every day that passes that I have to deal with this guilt that's completely my fault and that keeps adding on more and more. And just when I think it's going to get better, I make it worse.

I was never the best at anything, but I was never this bad. I was always above average. But not anymore. I don't know what to do.

I don't think anyone cares enough to read this blog, and I don't know if that thought makes me feel more comforted or depressed. 0 comments I really don't get how Frodo can sleep the way he does. He loves to sleep on top of books. Seems like it would be uncomfortable. But whatever, it's cute.
I'm starting to daydream about having a job. Erk. Yet I'm still unwilling to wake up before three and go out and jobhunt. I think I can be successful just online, though. Last night I found some new places to apply for. I'll just cross my fingers. I need moneyyyy and I was supposed to get a job at the start of the summerrrrr so I could be saving up. I'm a loser.
I went over to my sister's new place last night for the first time. Well, I had been over there before to help drop off some stuff, but the power was out then so it was dark. And she hadn't really moved in yet. It looks much better now... I don't think very highly of the people that used to live there. The place was trashed and smelled like pot.
It smells a lot better now, and it's more cleaned up. It's an.... interesting house. My sister's room is the biggest one, and it's huuuuge. Like, not even a bedroom. It's like... a den or something? It has a door to the backyard. And it's pretty much bigger than my whole apartment. It's a cool room I guess, though right now it's just covered in garbage bags full of her stuff. She hasn't set up her room yet. I think it'd creep me out to live in that room though, it's just so big. And dark. The whole house seemed kinda dark, so I didn't like that. But otherwise it was cool. They just.... need a lot more stuff. The house is old, and the walls are all kind of blah. If they could paint some rooms it'd look nice. And I thought about living there.... there's still another room, but a small one. Rent would only be like $160 a month. That's insane. And seems doable if I actually had a job. However, I wouldn't be comfortable there. There was a bunch of booze bottles. I do not want to be around them while they drink and smoke. I dunno how often they do that stuff, but I know it isn't uncommon with them. So I'll never move in there.
I did get to see my sister's new kitten, Luna. She was really cute, but she has fleas. Ack. She's not old enough to get a flea bath yet, but she's almost there.
I really can't decide if I want to move out or not. It's just so nice here, not having to worry about paying bills or anything. And I'm going to have to pay for college, so I need to save up all I can. If I don't have to pay rent or anything I can save up a lot more. If I got a $500 paycheck every month, I would put like $300 in savings. Probably more than that. And then I can have money left over to do stuff.
I'm kind of on the verge of panic when it comes to Temple College. I really should have checked in with my application sooner. And I really wonder when I'm going to start doing things right, for once. I gotta make lots of changes.